On Living the Dream

Just got back from a quick trip down to Austin, to visit K-Bomb (Kevin, that is), one of my AT hiking buddies and my partner for the PCT. Had to put my few belongings in storage, and he was kind enough to share his storage unit with me. I already feel lighter. It was good to see him again.

It's so much easier to plan face to face. We decided against a maildrop we'd planned, which simplifies things, made some general plans for further down the trail, where we might need maildrops there, and various other resupply options, discussed gear, clothing, etc. I don't know about him, but I feel pretty well satisfied and settled on those issues. Not that we set anything in stone (far from it), but somehow this visit clarified things.

We also watched Wizards of the PCT, which I recommend to anyone interested in a window into thru-hiking (I'm talkin' to you, family!). It's a film made by a thru-hiker as he made his way to Canada, and it has me now very geeked to get hiking. Though actually, I know it won't really hit home until I'm out there. I tend to live in the moment, and right now, fact is I'm still in Texas, breathing Texas air, sneezing on Texas pollen. Right now, I'm just riding the momentum towards the trail, but am still pretty calm over it. I'm just not the giddy, excitable type. I know I'll be deeply happy to be out there, though.

Only six more days to go before I fly to San Diego, and get this all in motion. That's the key, here. It's the waiting that's hard. Not just the excitement, the anticipation, but the anxiety. It's sometimes hard to live such an unconventional life. No one around me really understands this need to be out there. My coworkers sure didn't; they were interested, asked about it, but in the end, I was mostly just the butt of jokes, the local oddball. And even most of my friends and family look at all this askance; some, like my father (or so I imagine), understand a bit better than others, but I know none of them really get why I need to be walking in mountains for months at a time.

So really, besides my hiking friends, with whom I keep in marginal touch via Facebook, I'm sort of alone on this. I find I keep questioning myself and what I'm doing, fighting with myself over it. Which is ridiculous!

I look at it this way. I hear music constantly about following one's dreams, living life to the fullest, those high-rising anthems that you just have to sing along to. Country music is famous for them, but you hear them everywhere. Then, religions and spiritual systems of all sorts are full of passages and maxims about trusting God, not chasing wealth, living for what really counts (the lilies of the field, follow your bliss, all that jazz). Our own country was founded on the notions of liberty, persuit of happiness, and the like.

It's like the highest ideals of the world say that it's good to get out there and follow your bliss. I'm surrounded by the messages; is it any wonder I believe it? Yet I can feel a lot of static over all this. True, mainly from my own mind, which only shows how corrupted I've become, how effective the indoctrination of the advertizers and fear-mongers preaching security.

I prefer freedom. This may be a weird way to get after it, but it's my way, and I'm being true to it. Anyways, I'll be dead in 50 or so years, and I'm sure at that point I won't be wishing I'd spent more time doing things I didn't want to do in order to live the way I didn't want to live. The Appalachian Trail was an eye opener for me. Things clicked. I was truly happy. And now, I'm not really alive unless I'm "out there," which is, admittedly, troubling for my future, but at this point it's where I'm at. So, it'll be good to be done with the thinking about this, and get on with the living of it.

Which begins in less than 6 days.